October 19, 2008

  • fucking depressed

    The past few days have been really stressful for me.
    Lots of fucking drama...party planning....bullshit. On top of all that, I had a really bad ear infection, and I was still stressing and working my ass off. My eardrum ended up bursting, which relieved some of the pain, but now I can't hear at all in my right ear and I've been getting lots of dizzy spells out of nowhere-vertigo. I  almost collapsed a couple of times since it ruptured...getting out of my car, out of bed,  standing from a chair, etc. have all been extremely disorienting. It's weird.

    I should be resting, but I'd been planning this party for weeks. It was supposed to be an intimate affair- invites only, but some people decided to invite themselves. It really hurts for me to talk right now because of the ear pressure, so I sort of just let it slide in the beginning, which was a big mistake. More than twice as many heads ended up coming and staying. I usually stand my ground and say shit, but I don't know what happened. I'm stressed out and in pain in my room while the party blasts on downstairs in my living room. $1000 spent on this party so far. $400 of it to accommodate all the last minute jerks. The money doesn't bother me as much as the attitude. It's really taking a lot out of me-refraining from punching people in the mouths.

    I feel like I'm not myself...like I've become too soft. The old me would've told everyone to fuck off by now, but I feel so weak and tired. I don't need more drama. I feel like I'm only 1/4 of the strong woman that I used to be...maybe it's the medication I'm on. I haven't been this depressed in a while. I'm scared that I can't hear anything in my right ear at all. It feels really eerie. I have an appointment to see a specialist this week. Right now I'm taking pain meds, stupid ear drops, and these huge antibiotics that look like those fucking joke pms pills that you would find at a gag shop. ugh....

    okay. back to the party. =( This is up there as one of my worst weeks ever.